


The Best Thing

by himawri45 (kotaka_kun)



Series: Pink Carnations [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: ABO, Alpha!Bucky, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Grief, Loss, M/M, Mentions of miscarriage, Mourning, Mpreg, Omega!Steve, Omegaverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 17:01:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13768557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotaka_kun/pseuds/himawri45
Summary: He had to read the result aloud several times before it really sank in, and even then, he felt like the joy he was feeling was somehow subdued, muted almost.Two lines.A little plus sign.Pregnant.Steve’s voice was strangled when he called out for his mate, but Bucky had appeared in an instant, the worry evident in his eyes, but as soon as he saw the stick of plastic Steve held in shaking hands, he gathered Steve in his arms and held him tight. He said nothing, but Steve believed that Bucky knew the strange and almost reluctant feeling of conflict in his chest. He wondered if Bucky felt it too.





	The Best Thing

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted on [this blog](http://ohmyomegasteveandalphabucky.tumblr.com)

 

It had taken a long time for them to get to a place where they could even begin to think about starting a family. Even if they put aside the time Steve had had to spend looking for Bucky, tracking him down, and helping him to relearn who he used to be before being the Asset, it had taken months of therapy, among other things, to get Bucky to a place, both physically and mentally, that was stable. 

In the beginning, there’d been a lot of Steve having to take care of Bucky in ways he’d never imagined having to do. When Bucky was still in between headspaces and unsure if he was the Asset, Steve had struggled to distance himself from his emotions so he could make the right call. Sometimes, it had meant sedating his mate. Other times, it had meant having to walk away despite Bucky’s cries, begging him not to leave. 

The first few months had been some of the most emotionally intense and draining months of his life, and that was counting the war  _ and _ the months following his coming out of the ice. But Bucky was making progress and doctors and therapists alike were optimistic about him. 

Of course, as soon as Steve was given the okay, he had Bucky moved to his floor of the Tower, and though it took Bucky some time go get used to how the entire floor was theirs, the luxurious facilities a far cry from what he remembered of their shabby apartment in Brooklyn, they slowly settled into their new life together. 

Bucky was rediscovering himself day by day, and Steve was only too happy to help by fondly regaling his own fistfights in alleyways that had ended in Bucky coming to his rescue, or patching him up at the very least. It wasn’t to say that they didn’t have an occasional hiccup, a panic attack or other sort of meltdown was not an unusual occurrence, but they did drop in frequency during the night once the two of them began to sleep in the same bed again. 

Steve wasn’t sure when Bucky had realized that they were mates -- he didn’t know if Bucky had known all along, but he didn’t bother to ask. He knew Bucky knew  _ now _ and that’s what mattered. Granted, they hadn’t started being intimate in any way more than the occasional kiss and the way they snuggled up against one another, Bucky’s broad chest pressed firmly to Steve’s back, be it in bed or on the couch as they lounged, but Steve was more than satisfied with that contact. He couldn’t imagine asking for much more than that, not when his mate was working so hard to recover from decades of trauma. Not to mention that Steve wasn’t sure if Bucky would  _ want _ to be any more intimate than this anyway. 

The therapists had explained to him how imprisonment and torture could too easily associate human touch with pain, and that once Bucky learned that the two things weren’t necessarily synonymous, he may seek more contact. And that only served to make Steve wary of making assumptions like thinking that Bucky would still want their relationship to hold the same dynamic when he no longer looked the part of the small Omega. 

He wanted to say that he wouldn’t mind. He wanted to say that he would be willing to set aside their bond in favor of making sure Bucky felt in control, because he was. To an extent. 

Steve could be whatever Bucky needed. A good friend, something like family like they’d been during their school days. But it didn’t keep him from feeling inadequate, like something was wrong with him, even though the serum was supposed to have cured him of all ailments. 

During the war, after coming back from Azzano, Steve hadn’t had much time to be self conscious. He  _ had _ been, no doubt about it -- he wasn’t oblivious to the way Bucky’s eyes would scan him up and down from afar, or the way Bucky kept his distance, even when they were in close quarters. But he’d been so utterly relieved to have Bucky back alive, and the time they’d been able to spend alone together had just been so short that Steve had never had the chance to bring it up. But now, in their domestic day to day, Steve couldn’t help but wonder when Bucky’s gaze lingering on Steve for just a few moments too long to just be unintentional. 

He knew Bucky was regaining his memories, new ones being uncovered practically every other day. So it wasn’t unthinkable that Bucky had recalled just how small and Omega-like Steve had once been, and logically Steve knew that his mate could very well just be processing the changes the best that he could, but a small part of him -- a small, still very much vulnerable part of him -- couldn’t help but see Bucky’s stares as almost disdainful, surely a wish of Steve to be an Omega that looked the part behind it. 

When Bucky had asked him what was going on with him, it felt very much like deja vu. The ease and normalcy in which Bucky slipped his arms around Steve from the back and asked was so familiar yet so foreign, it made his chest tighten with emotion he couldn’t quite identify. It hadn’t taken much coaxing from Bucky to make Steve admit his biggest worry since waking up -- he no longer looked the part of the traditional Omega, and though he knew that that sort of gender conformity was no longer as important to mate dynamics as they’d once been, he couldn’t help but dwell on it, and he’d no sooner  _ implied _ that he might not be worth having around as a mate when Bucky had spun him around so fast Steve thought he’d get whiplash, and gave him a stern talking to, things about ‘still being a damn idiot’ and how Steve was flat out wrong; that he wasn’t mated to the scrawny punk in Brooklyn, or even the muscle-headed idiot in front of him, and that it was  _ Steven Grant Rogers _ that he was bonded to, no matter what he might look like. And if Steve had managed a laugh through his chest welling with emotion when Bucky had teasingly asked if Steve would revoke their bond if he suddenly gained weight and no longer looked like the dashing Alpha he was now, all he could do was shake his head and bury his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck, scenting him as he let himself to take slower breaths and calm down, Bucky’s firm and unwavering love reassuring him at his very core. 

When they finally sat down to talk about trying for another pup, several more months down the line, tears were shed without a doubt. The loss of their first was still raw for both of them, neither of them having had the time to fully process it and grieve as they should have, but once they decided that they were ready, Steve stopped taking his suppressants, and while it took a month or two for his cycle to be kickstarted after having not had them for so long, the intensity of his heat caught them both by surprise. 

Not that either of them complained, of course. They took their time getting to know each other’s bodies again, Bucky taking great pleasure in teasing Steve to no end and in doing so, once more reassuring Steve that he liked this new body of his just fine. 

And then, it was during a potluck event with the other Avengers that it happened. Natasha had pulled out a basket of freshly baked bread, and she was going on about it being a Russian recipe or some other when Steve felt nausea roll his stomach. He broke out in a cold sweat as he quietly excused himself and moved as quickly as possible, but slow enough so to not raise any questions, to the nearest bathroom where he quickly wound up retching into the toilet. 

There was little need to take a test, but just to be sure, Steve bought a few pregnancy tests in the days following, taking them first thing in the morning like the boxes suggested. 

He had to read the result aloud several times before it really sank in, and even then, he felt like the joy he was feeling was somehow subdued, muted almost. 

Two lines.

A little plus sign. 

Pregnant. 

Steve’s voice was strangled when he called out for his mate, but Bucky had appeared in an instant, the worry evident in his eyes, but as soon as he saw the stick of plastic Steve held in shaking hands, he gathered Steve in his arms and held him tight. He said nothing, but Steve believed that Bucky knew the strange and almost reluctant feeling of conflict in his chest. He wondered if Bucky felt it too. 

“I’ll carry this one to term.” Steve heard himself say. “I swear.” 

Bucky’s arms just tightened around him, and when he pulled away to take Steve’s hand, there was something unreadable behind his small, sad smile. Steve couldn’t place it, but he let Bucky lead him out of the bathroom, putting the thought aside in favor of following his mate to the bedroom. And if he missed the second time Bucky looked at him with that same unreadable expression, it was his own fault. 

Steve woke the next morning, earlier than the sun for his usual morning run, only to find the other side of the bed empty, and a note on Bucky’s pillow that read: 

‘Come downstairs to the parking lot. Dress warm.’

A confused but fond smile on his lips, he got dressed in his usual workout clothes, slipped on a jacket, and headed downstairs. Clearly Bucky was plotting something, but there was no telling what it was. When he arrived in the parking lot, he found Bucky with a SHIELD car waiting for him. 

“We’re going for a drive,” was all he said when Steve asked what the plan was, and though Steve wanted to know more, the look Bucky gave him just said to trust him, and Steve did. With all that he had. So he climbed into the car, and watched the passing scenery out of the window. It took him awhile to realize that they were heading for the ocean, but when he did, he perked up considerably. It had been a while since he’d gone for fun, and longer than he could really remember since he’d gone with Bucky last. 

Before they walked onto the sand, Bucky retrieved a paper bag from the back seat, and though Steve gave him a curious look, Bucky just gave him a fond smile, and led him to the shore. 

“Do you remember,” Bucky began, his voice low and soft, “The first time you found out you were pregnant?” 

Steve went rigid beside his mate, not having expected this sort of...  _ confrontation _ in the least. But still, Bucky pressed on, albeit more gentle than Steve probably deserved. “You were so happy, so beautiful the way you carried yourself, when you found out you were gonna be a mama.”    
Steve’s breath hitched, and he wanted to open his mouth to demand what Bucky was trying to get at, but his words didn’t want to come. 

“You still have every right to be just as happy with this one, but-” Bucky paused. “But you’re not letting yourself be.” 

And Steve knew he was right to some extent. He  _ was _ still holding onto his feelings of guilt and regret, but he just didn’t know what to do with them. To let go felt too much like he was trying to forget, and that wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to forget. He wanted to honor his pup, even though he never got to hold them. He’d loved them all the same. 

“I ain’t saying it’s ever gonna get easier to remember ‘em.” Bucky admitted. “It’ll probably hurt just as much, but... but I think that you need to let yourself be happy about this. I know I haven’t done much to help you to grieve, and we’re still gonna stumble through it, but we’ll do it together. They’re our pup, and they always will be. But it’s not fair to the little one growing in you now to cast that sort of shadow over it, y’know?” Bucky sighed. “Not the most eloquent speech, I know, but...”

He rustled through the bag some before pulling out a bouquet of pink carnations. He held it out to Steve, and the Omega was quickly overcome with emotions. Taking the flowers with trembling hands, he stared at them as tears welled in his eyes. 

“I want us to release them into the ocean.” Bucky said quietly, and Steve suddenly understood. This was Bucky’s way of helming him to let go, and find the closure he so desperately needed.    
The tears overflowed, streaming down his cheeks as he nodded, and so, hand in hand, the two of them made their way across the sand leaving footprints behind them, and when the gentle waves lapped at their ankles, they took the flowers, removing them from the stem one by one, and tossing it into the ocean. 

The soft pinks floated atop the vibrant blue waves, and the two of them watched in silence as the tide took some of the flowers further out to sea, while some returned to lap at the shore. 

They stood there for a long while after they flung the last of the flowers out to sea, Steve nestled in Bucky’s arms. 

“I never blamed you, y’know.” Bucky said quietly into Steve’s jaw. “I never once thought it was your fault.” Steve whimpered, clutching at Bucky tighter still. “You’ve blamed yourself long enough, Stevie. Even though you only carried our pup for a short amount of time, your love for them was absolute and everlasting. And I’m sure they know that too.”

 

It came as a surprise to the rest of the world that Captain America was stepping away, but it came as an even bigger surprise to the Avengers themselves. Half of them had expected Steve to be adamant about continuing his work for as long as he could, and Steve couldn’t blame them for thinking so. And maybe he would’ve had he not lost a pup before. 

But as it was, he knew the risks, and he wasn’t willing to take them. Even with the assurance of his body being stronger, of it being more able to handle a pregnancy with less of a chance of complications, he couldn’t bring himself to put himself and his pup in harm’s way. 

The team was supportive of his decision nonetheless, and soon Steve and Bucky settled into their new, domestic lifestyle -- the life they’d always wanted, and certainly deserved. 

Bucky watched with a sense of pride as Steve’s figure began to soften as his body made changes to accommodate the growing pup inside him. He began to show earlier on compared to before, and it was with a tentative smile that Steve tugged up his shirt to show Bucky the slight but sure curve of the beginnings of his baby bump. 

It was all Bucky could do to make his best effort to  _ not _ lavish Steve in affection and dote on him at all times, but he couldn’t help it. His paternal instincts were at an all time high, unable to sit by and watch Steve do so much as go to the kitchen to prepare himself some food. If there was anything Bucky could do for him, he was going to damn well do it. 

**Author's Note:**

> [...pink carnations carry the greatest significance, beginning with the belief that they first appeared on earth from the Virgin Mary's tears – making them the symbol of a mother's undying love...]
> 
> come keep me company on [tumblr](http://kotaka-kun.tumblr.com)!!


End file.
